Fear (Blogtember: Day 4)

Today's Prompt:
A story about a time you were very afraid.

Hmmm, I don't think I have ever had a time in my life when I was very afraid.  I've not had any near-death experiences (thankfully) and I've never been hospitalized for anything critical.  

I suppose, then, that the only thing that actually scared me was becoming a mother.

Throughout my entire pregnancy (and still today)  I fear that I am a horrible mother.  When I was pregnant, I tried my best to prepare myself to be patient and not quick-tempered.  While I have gotten a bit better, I am still the mom that, when pushed far enough, will lose my cool and L gets a time out in her room.  I, too, take a time out, in another part of the house.  I try not to punish her when I am at that point.  I simply just put her in her room and walk away.  I need a few precious moments to think, get centered, and then go back to assess the situation.

My mom can probably tell you how many times I have text her or told her that being a mom is hard.  She agrees, but she keeps telling me it's worth it.  

I'm afraid that I am going to fail L as her mother.  I'm afraid I won't be there enough for her, or in fact, too much and smother the poor kid to death.  I'm afraid that my body image issues will be passed on to her and I don't want that.  I try to not say anything badly about myself in front of her, but I just don't know what she picks up on and doesn't.  

However, I know I am not alone in this fear.  I know there are countless other mothers who are out there, thinking the same things as I.  We are all in this together.  We have to do the best we can.  We are in charge of nurturing and molding these little human beings into productive citizens and that is scary.  

I have come to realize that the fear will always be there-that I am not good enough or that I am doing something wrong in regards to L.  I try to start each day as a brand new day and not let any of yesterday's temper tantrums, outbursts, or incidents carry over into the next day.  I think that helps her and me both for right now.

And, once again, I say.....This being a mom stuff is hard.  


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