Image from Stock Free Images

I read a lot of blogs.  I read a lot of blogs that run the list of blog niches out there-mommy blogs, craft blogs, beauty blogs, and life and style blogs.  There are a few that inspire me to keep doing this blogging thing and Rachel Martin at Finding Joy  is one of them.  Rachel recently wrote a blog post about celebrating ourselves as mothers and part of that post resonated with me very deeply.  

Every day, at some point, I feel like a crappy Mom.  Motherhood is hard.  This is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done.  I lay awake nights worrying if I am a good mom or not.  I never laid awake at night and worried about how good of student I was or how good of an employee I was.  I got good grades, I got raises, I was well-liked.  Now, a lot of nights, I go to bed just feeling defeated and I lay awake and think entirely too much.    
I am me.  That is all I am.  I have changed and I have grown.  I can no longer be who I used to be.  I have been through things, seen things, heard things, and done things that have shaped me into who I am today.  If I am not "measuring up" to someone else's expectations, well, I can't help them.  I'm sorry.  I can't go back.  I won't go back.  I live my life in the now because it's all I know to be certain.

Happy Friday everyone!  This week has gone by quickly, but it has been a really good week!  Here are some of my favorite moments from this week.






And there you have it!  I hope you all had a wonderful week and that your weekend's are all that you need and want them to be!  We will be celebrating my 30th birthday tomorrow evening and I cannot wait.  My best friend is coming in tomorrow morning and we get to have some one on one time with each other. I am stoked!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Until next time,

***I swear I will not quote Tim McGraw in this blog post.  Scout's honor. :)***


I have been thirty for a week and, just as I expected, not much has changed.  For the past month, I have been thinking a lot about how others perceive 30 and how some get really bent out of shape about it.  I don't see what the fuss is all about, personally, but I suppose that some people just don't have the outlook I have.  I chose to look at all of this differently.  I chose, a long time ago, to look at my life differently.  I make conscious choices, every day, to view the other side of things.  I stopped concentrating on the "bad" many years ago.  After all, concentrating on all of that just kept me in the hole I was in for even longer.  I had to learn, as we usually do in life, that your outlook is everything.

It is strange to think of myself as 30.  I don't look 30 (good genes), in some instances I don't act 30 (my husband has stories), and I don't feel 30.  People have always commented how I am "wise beyond my years", well, thank you, thought it came with a price; a price that I am glad I paid in hindsight.  I guess a large majority of this strange feeling of being 30 is that I never thought I would be here, breathing, and writing to all of you.  This last week has been surreal.  I have been walking around almost as if I have new eyes.  It is almost as if the being that is the mastermind behind all of this came to me and said, "Here is your next 30, my gift to you.  You earned this."

I earned this.

I don't take gifts lightly.  I take them very seriously.  I hold them very carefully, I cherish them, use them with care, and I only share them with people whom I trust.

It took me a long, long time to get that through my head....

For the rest of my life...

Until next time,

Happy Wednesday everyone!  Today, I have chosen to take a little break from writing and work on some photos.  We had a wedding that we went to last weekend and there are a bunch of picture's of the kiddo to attend to. I am starting to wonder if I have a problem (HA!) and if it is going to cause issues down the road, but for now, I am enjoying taking pictures of her.  I have always loved photography.  I really like to capture moments in time to look back on later.

I have my own way of managing photo's, editing, saving, printing, etc.  Perhaps that will be something I cover in the future.....Actually, yes, it will be.  :)  I think there just may be someone out there who could benefit from my crazy organizational skills!  So, if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed about your child(ren)'s photo's, stay tuned!  I have something just for you!  

However, for now, I must get back to these photo's.

Enjoy these and I will see you all tomorrow when I talk about my next 30 years! :)

Boy, this week went by FAST!  It was just Monday, wasn't it?  Sometimes my weeks go by like this.  It is almost as if I blinked on Monday and got transported into Friday.  Which means, this post is much needed today.

For those of you that are new to our little place here on the web, on Friday's I do a quick post on what some of my favorite thing's were from the last week.  It gives me a chance to unwind from the week and prepare for the weekend.  It also gives you a chance to learn more about me and my life.

Now, I will admit, since this week flew by so fast, there isn't much I was able to capture.  I don't even think I accomplished two thing's on my to-do list this week.  Ha!  Sometimes, that is life. Next week will be slower, hopefully!

Nonetheless, I captured some thing's that I would like to share with you all:

Image found here

I have to tell ya, today was great!  I got to spend the day with my husband and our daughter, just hanging out.  I didn't do any housework and I didn't have to cook!  I got several birthday wishes that warmed my heart, an Amazon gift card from my brother (heck ya!), a special gift I sent got received (more on that in a minute), and it has been a nice, relaxing evening. I also got a great idea for a running series on the bloggy blog! I am perfectly content today. :)

I have done one special thing for the past five years or so on my birthday.  It is a tradition that I started and I make sure, every year, it is carried out.  This tradition that I started, and will continue to do for as long as I possibly can, is a way for me to pay homage to someone that makes my special day possible....

Before I dive into this next blog post, I just wanted to thank all of my reader's for yesterday's events.    A Mother in Boston and Dear Martin have received many hits and it is all thanks to you.  You took it upon yourselves to make sure that those two letters were seen by as many people as possible.  By you having faith in my and my words, you gave me the confidence to post and re-post those letters as many times and as many places as I could. I am so grateful for you, my reader's.  You are why I do what I do.  Thank you. 

October 2009 Age:  26

Today is a good day to talk about my twenties since this is the last day I am in my twenties.  Tomorrow, at about mid-morning, I will be 30.  Wow, that last sentence was surreal to write.  I honestly never thought I would be here.  It's strange how life takes us; through its twists and turns and ups and downs.

I look at my twenties in two parts:  before and after.  There was a breaking point, a cusp if you will, that was reached at about my mid-twenties.  To be blunt:  I got tired of the crap.  I was so tired of waking up and feeling the same way every day, dealing with the same things over and over, and seeing certain people that just had no use in my life anymore.  That may sound harsh, but it was all for the better.  All of it.

From the age of 19 until a month before my 22nd birthday, I was in college.  Well, I was enrolled.  I wasn't really trying to get anywhere looking back on it now.  I was more interested in partying and drinking and pushing my limits at that age.  Thursday's, Friday's, and Saturday's were party days.  My friends and I (that term I use loosely because there isn't one person that is still in my life from that time with the exception of my husband and my best friend.  My best friend lived four hours away so it isn't like we were hanging out all the time.)  Anyway, I was  a mess.  I was a drunk.  There, I said it.  I would spike my Diet Coke's with Jack Daniels before I went to class.  (Sorry, Mom...and....everyone else who didn't know that about me...)  Not one of my finer moments.

2007 Age 24

I knew I had a problem.  I knew it.  No one would listen to me when I tried to talk about it.  And by "no one" I mean the people that I thought were my friends.  Sara would get all sappy stupid drunk and go on and on about how horrible her life was, and they would just pour me another drink to shut me up.  I quit college in March of 2005  (ironically, this is the same month I met my husband...at a gas station....in the wee hours of the morning...) and started looking for full time work.  Ha!  Basically what happened was that I got a part time job and my parent's paid for me to live in an apartment two hours from my hometown, in the ghetto, and I just wasted away.

Into nothing.

I was an empty shell.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I wasn't hungry.  I would chain smoke the hell out of some Camel's, drink my soda, and scrounge up money to go out and party.  Then, I got "smart" and started having house parties.  That just left me with a mess to clean up the next day, totally hungover.  Nice.

I finally had an epiphany (after a night of being completely drunk and thinking about just killing myself...yep, that happened...) and sought out help from a therapist.  I will admit, she was good.  She helped me unravel myself and really helped me to start to see thing's in a new light.  When I came to her, I had what she called "Can't-get-out-of-bed-and-go-to-Wal-Mart" syndrome.  I was paralyzed by the outside world, honestly.  I hated myself, I hated everyone, I just hated.  I allowed things to happen to me that kept me in a hole.  I allowed people to mistreat me and use me and just leave me for dead.  I didn't know how to say no. I just wanted people to like me, to love me, to accept me.  So, I did what I thought would make that happen.

The only bad thing about therapy is that they like to attach drugs to you.  I had drugs to wake me up in the morning, get me through the day, and put me to sleep at night.  Then, I had drugs to counteract some side effects with the original drugs.  So, roughly, I was taking about 7-8 different kids of pills a day.

I couldn't cry.  I couldn't get angry.  I was a zombie.  I would leave my house at 10:30-11 o' clock at night and mosey my way down to the gas station where this really cute boy worked.  I would get me a soda, a pack of smokes, and sit there and talk to him for two or three hours.  Then, I would take my butt back home, take me a little blue pill, and pass out.  (Bear in mind, I had actually stopped drinking at this time because, well, while I may have not been smart about my alcohol intake, I knew that drugs and alcohol DO NOT mix and I was scared.  See, that just shows you...I was too chicken to die.)

So, I spent the next couple of years straightening my head out.  Eric made me flush the pills, said I didn't need them.  I do believe his exact words were, "You don't need that shit.  You do it on your own.  Flush them."  I don't think I hesitated for more than five seconds.  It just shows.....I knew I didn't need them.

2006 was a bad year.  I got sick.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis and spent most of my day's on the couch in a different apartment, in a different part of the city, still in the ghetto, still pissed off at the world.  There aren't really any pictures from that time because I look like I was dying.  No, really, I do.  My mom has a picture of me from Christmas and I look like I am ready to just be buried.  No color to my skin, dark circles under my eyes, rapidly losing weight.  It was a nightmare.  That was a time in my life where I wished to die.  I was in so much pain for so long, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up anymore.

2007 and 2008 were actually when my life started to turn around.  I got back into school.  I had a new zest for life.  I kept to myself and my very close friends.  I had managed to get rid of a whole bunch of "friends" when I dropped out of college-go figure! I took things one step at a time.  I really thought about things and I concentrated on my part time job and my school.

2009 was hard. Eric went back to IL earlier in that year and we were sorting things out between us.  I spent a lot of time reading and crying and writing after he left, trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do.  Sometimes I think two people can't figure things out when the other is in their face all the time.  I think sometimes two people just need to breathe in their own space for a while.  That time was dark, but it helped.  Sometimes, you just need to do you for awhile.

March 2010 Age 26 (almost 27)

The last half of 2009 until the summer of 2011 (a month before Lynzi was born to be exact)  I lived with a girl from my partying days and was finishing school.  I had a job that I clocked in 25-30 hours a week and full course loads.  I was busy.  I was up to my eyeballs in school.  I LOVED IT!  I was enjoying life so much for the first time in I think ever.  I felt like I could BREATHE!  It was nice to be able to enjoy things and be comfortable in my own skin.  Eric had proposed, we were doing great, school was great, and I had learned to deal with set backs calmly and rationally instead of trying to find the answers at the bottom of a bottle or in a pill or in people.

I got pregnant in October of 2010 with Lynzi and while Eric and I were happy, scared, freaked out, etc. my roommate decided to be less than happy.  That "friendship"  (To this day, I don't even think we ever had one.) quickly deteriorated and June of 2011 I moved out of that apartment, in with Eric to a new apartment (yea, I moved A LOT) and Lynzi came in July of 2011.  We got married in April of 2012 and the rest is history.

April 2013 Age: 29

I did a lot of work in my twenties to get me to where I am today.  The first half was kind of crappy, but I believe I needed to go through all of that to be where I am today.  I like myself today.  I can deal with things today that I wouldn't have been able to deal with ten years ago.  I have my moments, but I can quickly assess things and get back on track.

I never gave up.  I always dug down deep and pushed.  I would find that little part of me that isn't a quitter and I would bring her to the surface and she would help me through.

Thank God for that little part that did so much.

Martin Richard Image from here

Dear Martin,

Last night, I wrote a letter to your Mommy.  I wanted her to know, from one mother to another, that she wasn't alone.  I wanted her to know that there are good people in the world and we do care.  I didn't know who you were last night, but now I do.  I promised your Mommy that I wouldn't forget her or you.  Now, that I have seen your face, there will not be a day that goes by that I won't think of you.

Martin, honey, I know it may have been scary and maybe you hesitated a bit before following the other's, but by now, you have probably figured out that Heaven is a pretty cool place. I am sure, by now, the other's have showed you that you can still play ball and laugh and ride a bike.  You may have even figured out that there are other children there to play with.  I'm sure you are having fun.

I know you miss your Mommy and Daddy and your siblings and your friends.  From what I understand of Heaven, the great thing about that place is that, you never grow older than you were when you arrived and you can always see whoever you want at any given time.  I'm sure that makes you feel better, too.  So, go ahead, peek in on Mom and Dad from time to time, they will probably notice your presence even though you aren't physically with them.  That will be a great thing for them.

The Richard Family Image found here

Martin, don't be sad when you see Mommy or Daddy cry.  I know that will be hard, but you will see them again someday.  You will get to hug them and kiss them and you will get to read a book with them again.  You will play catch with Daddy again.  You will even see your friend's and siblings one day, too.  They may look a little different, but you will know them.  The heart always knows.

We are sorry down here on Earth, Martin.  Sometime's things don't make sense and we have to do the best we can with the information we have.  People are going to try really hard to make sure the person(s) that did this horrible thing are brought to justice.  I know all you wanted to do was see people run and spend time with your family.  I'm sorry that someone messed that up for you.  I am so sorry that all you wanted to be was a normal eight year old little boy and someone decided that your life was worth messing with.

Martin, I have friend up there. I talked to her this morning, briefly, and I think she is going to try and find you.  You will know her when you see her: she has a huge smile and it will make you feel better; it always did me.  She's sad too.  She wishes that thing's were better down here for those of us still here, but she keep's telling me to hang on, keep hope.  So, that is what I tell everyone else to do:  hang on, keep hope.  In time's like these Martin, that is what we have to do.

Hang on and keep hope.

Martin Richard Image found here

Rest easy sweet boy,

Normally, at this time of night, I would be getting ready for bed.  By now, it has been a long day and I am ready to take my shower and fall into bed with my husband and sleep.  Tonight though, tonight I am anxious.  I am disturbed.  I am heartbroken.

A child died today.  A child.   Someone orchestrated a plan that caused the death of an innocent child.  A child that will never eat dinner with their family again, that will never again crawl into their favorite pajamas and listen to Mom or Dad read them a bedtime story.  A child who will never again run, play, ride a bike, draw, or create.  A child died today that could have helped fix our world.

As I tucked my daughter into bed tonight with her favorite stuffed animal, Ellie, her baby doll, and one of her favorite books, I thought of that child's mother.  She didn't know that the night before was the last bed time story or that the last kiss from her child was really the last kiss.  I took my time tucking Lynzi in tonight.  I lingered, studying her face and how she snuggles under the blanket that I laid over her.  I kissed her two more times and told her I loved her two more times before I shut the door to her room.

Once for me and once for the mother who cannot kiss her own child anymore and tell them that she loves them.

Dear Mother to that Precious Child,

I am sorry.  I know those words are not enough, but I am sorry.  They will not bring your child back, but I wish they could.  I cannot imagine what you are going through, but from one mother to another, I want to take this pain away from you.  I wish it was all a horrible dream that you will awake from soon.  I wish this for you, very hard and very deeply.  This wish resonates in my soul and I send it out as an echo into the world, hoping that you hear it wherever you are.

I am writing to tell you that when I look at my child from this day forward, I will remember your child and you.  You and your child will never be forgotten in me.  I will take more time with mine because you no longer have that time.  I will wipe chocolate pudding from her face and smile and file that memory away when she is too old to be getting that dirty.  I will smile at the fingerprints on my windows; I may even photograph them.  I will read one more story to her when the mood strikes me or when she asks me to.  I will do all of this, and more, because you cannot any longer.

Tonight I feel very small.  I don't know if you will ever see or read this, but a part of me hopes that you do, so that you may, for one minute, know that there is a good soul out in this big world.  Despite today's events, there are good people everywhere.  People like me cry in our home's when thing's like this happen.  We shed tears over people we do not know, we try to put ourselves into the victim's shoes, and we send love to the victim's.  We silently send love and warmth and peace and light to victim's of tragedies such as this.

We are here.  We care. Our silence is sent to you from hundreds and thousands of miles away, enveloping you in an embrace that will hopefully carry you throughout the next few days, weeks, months, and even years.  When you feel like you can't go on, you can.  Be still and you will feel the love and strength that we send to you and you will put one foot in front of the other and you will continue on your journey.

I will never forget you or your child, ever.

From one mother to another, I love you and I send you peace.

This week is a great week to talk about what I have learned over the past thirty years.  I am turning 30 on Thursday! This will be a very introspective week for me.  I plan to enjoy this week, but I know that I must take some time to reflect what has happened over the past thirty years.  This post will be a great start to that.

It hasn't just been the things that I have been through that I have learned from, but I have also learned from books and music. I have come across many an important passage in a book that has helped me to see more clearly things that were happening in my own life.  Music has done the same thing.  When I read or hear something that is so fitting to myself, I think, "Now why didn't I write that!?"  However, that is why there are author's and musicians:  They write from their own experiences in hopes to reach out to other's.  That is all I have ever wanted as a writer:  To reach out to other's so that they know they are not alone.

Over the past thirty years, I have learned many, many things.  Some good, some not so good, and some it took me a very long time to learn and realize.  Those challenges, those "A-HA!" moments, are what make people who they are.  Those moments are what made me, me.

I hope some of the things I have learned can help someone else. No two lives are the same, but maybe, just maybe, something will resonate with someone else and their enlightenment can begin.


1.  Be broken to be whole.-Lao Tzu  (There is beauty in the breakdown.  Light in the darkness.  If you want to become whole, let yourself break.  Let it all go.  Let it all out.  Then, begin again.)

2.  People change.  Sometimes they change for the better, sometimes it is for the worst.  You have to decide how you want to be treated.  If they don't treat you the way you want to be treated, it is time to move on.  That goes for everyone in your life.  EVERYONE.

3.  Be the kind of friend you need.

4.  What you put out into the world, comes back to you.  If you spend your time being hateful, guess what is going to come back to you?  We all have bad days.  When you are having a bad day, do something for someone else.  Watch and see what happens to you. 

5.  Letting go is hard.  Whatever the case may be, letting go is hard.  It is not meant to be easy.  Take your time, feel your pain, nurture yourself and slowly, very slowly,  you will begin to heal.  Remember:  letting go is a part of life, albeit a sucky part, but we all have to do it.

6.  It is a bad day, not a bad life. Do not take your bad day out on others.  It isn't their fault.  Besides, then you could be responsible for their bad day and who wants to have that on their shoulders?  No one.

7.  Do not buy a car based on a television commercial.  EVER.  Seriously, don't do it.

8.  Be comfortable with yourself before trying to enter into a relationship with someone else.  This one is so hard.  I have found that it is acceptable to not like certain things about yourself sometimes, but try not to harp on it every day, all day.  Do not become obsessed with what you think are flaws in yourself.  Learn to appreciate YOU.

9.  If a handful of people are telling you something is bad, it probably is.  Re-evaluate.

10.  Listen to your instincts.  If something doesn't feel right, walk away.  If something doesn't sound right, ask questions.  If the initial thought in your head is, "Whoa, wait just a minute here..." after someone has said or done something, walk away and evaluate the situation on your own.  Nine times out of ten, you are right about your feelings.

11.  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt ('Tis true!)

12.  Sometimes all you need is sunshine, good music on the radio, and a faraway destination.

13.  Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes.  You are human.  That's what we do.  Learn from them and move on.

14.  If you want something bad enough, you have to work for it.  I mean work for it.  There will be times you want to quit, don't.  Don't ever quit.  If you want it, get it, and don't let anyone else tell you that you can't do it or you can't have something.

15.  When you feel like you are at your wits end, have a good cry, pick yourself back up, and keep going.

16.  Use pain as fuel for your journey.  Take all of the anger, the hurt, the sadness, and the rejection that you have had in your life, ball it up, and set fire to it.  Use it to propel you into a new frame of mind, a new life, a new beginning.

17.  "Drowning never is an option when I am my own life jacket."  -Meredith Levick.  Save yourself.  No one else will.  Do not expect people to help you out of tight spots or bail you out of bad times.  If you have people that will do that for you, great!  BE THANKFUL AND APPRECIATIVE!  Do not burn them.  Do not mistreat them.  However, you need not get yourself into those predicaments.  It takes practice and mistakes.  Learn from it all and move on.

18.  Steven Tyler of Aerosmith said it best, "Life's a journey, not a destination."

19.  Stay away from drama and the people that create it.  Anyone who busies themselves with everyone elses life while theirs is falling apart or not going anywhere, is not really a person you want to have in your corner.  They will flip on you like that *snaps fingers*.  (Read more about my experience with drama here.)

20.  Stop looking through keyholes.  You will start believing that most things are keyhole shaped.  Translation:  Open your mind, allow yourself to experience things, live in the grey of life sometimes.  When I stopped seeing things as black or white and started exploring the grey areas, my life exploded, for the better.

21.  "Don’t mistake silence for ignorance.  It may just happen that some of us know a lot, we just don’t go on and on about things, unlike some of those who know very little." -Author Unknown.  Sometimes the people that talk the most are not as intelligent as they may appear to be.  That may sound harsh, but I have experienced it first hand.  Some people will do or say anything to get you into their good grace's, and sometimes, that isn't a good place to be.

22.  Unless you are a celebrity or own a business, you do not need 500+ friends on your Facebook page. Seriously.  Do you even know all those people?  Come on now!  (For anyone who is curious, I have 163 friends on Facebook and I like it that way.)

23.  If you don't agree with the way someone is leading their life, it isn't your place.  If they come to you and ask your opinion or advice on something, give it.  Do not butt in to other people's lives.  It isn't any of your business.  Nine times out of ten, they aren't going to listen anyway.

24.  Do not start completely over on a 10-15 page research paper the week before it is due in your second to last semester of college.  You will consume way too much coffee and sugar and you will feel like you are dying.

25.  Don't go to college unless you really know what you want to do.  Parents, you can shoot me later.

26.  Highway patrolman don't care that you may possibly be related to one of their own.  They are gonna write you a ticket anyway.

27.  If the teacher says not to pass notes in class, don't do it.  If you have luck like mine (which is:  If it is going to happen, it is going to happen to me.) your note will be confiscated and read ALOUD to the WHOLE CLASS.  You will then remain in a constant state of embarrassment the rest of your school career.

28.  Listen to your parents on most things.  If they tell you you can't go and do something, it is for your own good.  However, some of you may have parent's like mine who let you figure thing's out for yourself.  You may get angry at them for this.  Don't.  They are trying to teach you about life and how to be an adult.  It is for your own good.

29.  Love your sibling(s).  They will be all you have left of your childhood once your parents are gone.

30.  Every day is a new day.  Do not carry yesterday's junk into your tomorrow.

We have had some new follower's join us this week, so I just wanted to take the time to say hello and welcome them!  We are just getting started around here, but I love that you come and visit and leave feedback.  I always try to reply to comments pretty quickly, so don't hesitate to leave me a comment.  I love them!  No, really, I do.  I LOVE THEM!  Also, there is currently my first ever blog series taking place this month!  I am very excited and proud of it.  If you need to catch up, you can go here and it will bring you up to date.

Around here on Friday's I like to do what is called Favorite Things Friday.  That is where I compile photo's from the past week of thing's we have done or enjoyed and I share them with you all.  It really helps me to slow down and think about the week we just had.  As some of you may already know, I am a SAHM to a toddler so sometimes we have days that are very trying.  It is nice to have all of these sweet moments captured so that I can look back on them and say, "Yes, yes, that was good this week."

We had some BEAUTIFUL weather this week!  L and I were able to get out of the house for some walks and some play time in the backyard.  Then, the weather turned rainy, we had a tornado warning, and now it is chilly again. :( Despite the rainy and chilly weather yesterday and today, we have had a really great week around here.

Here are some of my favorite moments this week:

Until next time,