Journal Entry: Me Before Mommy

***The following are words from my journal, scribbled furiously in the late night hours, when the body is ready for sleep, but the brain will not allow it.  They are serving as a new beginning for me and as a way to get back to the sole purpose of this blog.  Watch for more of these types of post.  This is as real and as raw as I can get.  They are typed just how they were written.




When I became a mother, I stopped doing everything I enjoyed to focus solely on our daughter.  People told me that was a mistake.  I actually thought they were full of it until recently. 

One day, not very long ago, I was standing in the living room watching my child throw her third tantrum in as many hours, and I thought to myself, "This is not what I signed up for.  No one told me about this.  I need to get away from this child!"

(Moms:  You know you've had moments like that.)

Except I couldn't just leave her-she's 2!  I have no one to call in times such as those to help so I did what any normal Mom would do...

L went and took a nap a half an hour early and I went outside and cried.

I cried out of frustration.
I cried out of anger.
I cried out of guilt.

Then, lastly, I cried for my old life.

I couldn't remember the last cup of tea I had actually sipped and enjoyed.

I couldn't remember the last time I had listened to music other than in the car.

I couldn't remember the last time I wrote anything in my journal.

I missed college, I missed academic learning, I missed getting excited over writing papers and essays I was passionate about.

I missed sleeping.

I missed going to the pool and soaking up the sun in my two-piece bathing suit with my music and a good book.

......................

Suddenly, I realized, those people at the beginning, were right.

I completely and utterly screwed myself.

I wasn't happy this way.  I am my own individual; separate from my daughter, yet somehow I've managed to mesh us into one.

I have to get this balanced back out.

There needs to be a separation that takes place.  I love my daughter, but I was ME before I was MOMMY.

I'm not saying I am more important than she.  I am saying quite the opposite.  I need to get back to ME so that my daughter can learn that individuality is as important as the air we breathe.

How do I teach that to her when I stopped being ME the minute she was born?

There is only one thing to do: 

I must go back to being ME.

However, now I have a new equation:

Being Me + Being Mommy=Whole Person

I don't think I am the first person this has happened to.

Honestly, I'm almost certain that someone is going to read this and think, "Oh my...that is ME!"

Well hello, you.

Welcome.

Let's figure out how to get back together.


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