I realized a few days ago that I hadn't had the chance to update you guys on my Me Before Mommy Journey!

I would like to say that it is going....okay.  Remember my to-do list?  Well, I refer to it a lot, but I have been a little sloppy with the execution.

For about a week there, L and I went outside a lot and it was great!  However, the weather turned super hot, I got sick, and L's allergies are acting up, so we have been indoors a lot.  Yuck. I was so much more positive when we would go to the park in the afternoons.  I did notice that.  I have been watching the weather and this heat is supposed to break soon so, hopefully, more outdoor time to come.

I have been doing good with drinking my tea.  My sleeping schedule stinks.  My diet is getting better (I have lost about three pounds), but no yoga or meditation yet.  Bummer.

I did start reading a book of poetry by Robert Frost, but it has been hit and miss.  I have a couple of other books that I have my sights set on, so I am picking those up this weekend to get started on.

I have been listening to more music.  I discovered that L enjoys the heck out of my Pandora stations, so we rock out to those frequently.  *ahem* Specifically, "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.  Mommy belts it out and L jumps up and down, claps, and squeals.  I enjoy it because soon she will realize Mommy can't sing very well anymore! HA!

I haven't written anything else in my journal, but I am working on my quiet reflection moments.  I am also still trying to get my office figured out and I would love to set up a little nook for me to just sit and reflect in.  A nice comfy chair, a good pillow, a warm blanket....Mmmm.....Still working on it...

So, all in all, it is going okay.  I have lots of room for improvement and I just keep trying.  I have noticed here lately that I am very snippy because I haven't been able to take time for myself to do the things that are important to me.  That's my cue.  Time to get back on track!

Have a great weekend everyone!

I know it's a little late, but I wanted to show you all something I found the other day.

I used to write poetry...a lot.  I had notebooks and notebooks full of scribbles and stanzas mixed in with tears.  It was an incredible collection of my soul in written word.

Then, one day, I threw it all away.

Yup.

Every last bit of it.

It was all part of a time of my life that I was trying to forget and move on from.  So, I dumped them all in the dumpster of the place I lived at the time and walked away.

I miss every blessed word.

After that, I wrote more, but it was never really the same.  I don't write poetry at all anymore, but I miss it.  However, I seem to be one of those writer's who can only write poetry when they are depressed.  So, I suppose I can say, at least I'm not depressed!

The following is something I wrote in 2009 after the husband and I (before we were married) took a break in our relationship and he moved back to his home state and I stayed in MO, alone, in the apartment we had shared.  It was a very tough time for both of us, but that is also when I discovered Lao Tzu and I really started to look inward at myself, my hang-ups, my reasons.

I did a lot of soul-searching that summer.

It was a good summer for that.

Before I got pregnant with L, there were things that I said that I would never do nor allow to happen as a parent.

I was older when I had L.  I was 27 when I got pregnant and then turned 28 about three months before I had her.  Most of the people I knew already had kids.  I had been around babies and kids and I had seen things and heard things.  I remember watching a child have a meltdown in the store I worked in at the time, looking at my manager, and her pointing to my belly and saying, "You know that's gonna happen with her, right?  She's going to test you and you are going to have to make yourself heard."  I shrugged it off and said, "Not my child."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Famous last words, ya'll.

Here is a small list of things I said I wouldn't do or allow to happen when I became a parent:

1.  No child of mine will have an epic meltdown in the middle of a store.

BAHA!  Been there, done that.  The first time it happened, I was embarrassed and carried her out of the store, put her in the car seat, gave her a stern talking to, and took her home.  The second time it happened, I stopped what I was doing in the store, looked at her and said, "If you don't stop it RIGHT NOW, I will give you something to cry about."  That got her attention and left me feeling like my own mother.  HA!  I believe I may have even called my mother that evening and apologized to her for acting like a brat when I was little.

2.  My child will always be dressed.  

Um...this was a ridiculous notion.  There are some days L is in a t-shirt and a pull-up because that's as far as I have gotten with getting her dressed.  We just don't go anywhere that day.  ....Or I bribe her with a trip to the park to get her to put pants on....That's happened.  A lot.  Not ashamed.

3.  My child will eat the food in front of her.

She doesn't.  I refuse to fix her another meal.  That is something that I stand by 100%.  Instead, I tell her that she can sit there until I am done eating.  That usually does the trick and she eats more of what is on her plate.  I haven't met a food this kid won't eat so I know she's yanking my chain when she does that.  I also know how much it kills her to sit still and not do anything.  Problem solved.

4.  My child will not manipulate me.

Any ideas on how to fix this?  Seriously.  My two year old manipulates the hell out of me.  I refuse to have a teenager that does the same thing so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

5.  I won't be the mom that leaves the house with no make-up on, etc.

Um, this was really vain and stupid of me to say.  I have been working on this, though.  I feel better when I have some sort of make-up on and my hair looks semi-decent.  It's just one of those things that I always used to do and it helps me to take on the day, so to speak.  However, trying to get ready with a two year old underfoot can be difficult, but I try.  When I feel put together, I don't feel so frazzled, does that make sense?  The day usually runs smoother if I don't feel frazzled.

P.S. I have lost count of the times that I have been to the store without make up on and my hair in a pony tail.  Hey, at least I showered.


Isn't it funny how, before we become parents, we have all of these expectations in our heads and most of them get tossed out the window or re-worked?  What were some of your expectations that changed when you became a parent?

First of all, I am not posting anything about whatever took place on the VMA's the other night.  I didn't see it, I don't want to see it, and honestly, I don't know why everyone is so surprised.  I mean, hello, she's been a ticking time bomb for how long now?

Secondly, I've been sick since Saturday evening with a horrible sinus infection.  Today is the first day I can actually breathe and somewhat function.  This morning I woke up to a ginormous mound of dirty laundry, overflowing trash in the bathroom, and the kitty boxes needed scooped.  *sigh*  So, I guess it's a good thing I am feeling somewhat better today, otherwise, the house may fall apart.

Thirdly, you all have floored me with the response to this post.  Keep reading and sharing!

And that about wraps it up for today!  Look for an actual post later this week when my head isn't so foggy!

Today's ramblings are brought you to by seeing entirely too many mom's hating on each other this past week.

I've had enough.

So, I'm just going to lay it all out there and then we can proceed, K?


I didn't breastfeed my child.

I vaccinate my child.

I stopped completely rocking my child to sleep at about 9 months old.  As a matter of fact, it's because SHE didn't want it anymore.

L slept in our bedroom with us, in her crib, for the first ten months of her life.  We lived in a one bedroom apartment.  There was no bassinet.  There was no co-sleeper.  She slept in her crib from the first night she came home.

I used the cry it out method.  (Still do.)

I use disposable diapers.

I didn't make my own baby food.

My child eats what I fix for her.  I do not make her a second meal.  I'm sorry...you eat what I make you or it's a looong time till breakfast.  My parent's did the same thing to me-I turned out fine.  (The same rule applies to my husband.  He knows this.)

Sometimes, my child eats pre-cooked chicken fingers and Easy Mac.  Why? BECAUSE SHE LIKES THEM!  SHE'S 2!  She isn't training for a marathon!  My God, I'm lucky she is even EATING THIS WEEK!

My child watches TV.  Our TV is always on.  However, L is more inclined to run around the house than sit down and watch television.

I give my kid Kool-Aid...with sugar....(half the amount of sugar, but it still has sugar in it)

We do not co-sleep.  Period.  End of discussion.

My child will take antibiotics, Tylenol and Motrin.  I haven't noticed anything weird growing out of her, so I assume we are okay.

Now...tell me something...




Please share your stories below!  Let's SUPPORT each other!

Also, please feel free to share this if you agree!

Today, as I was trying my level best to get through grocery shopping as quickly as possible, I wrote a set of numbers that made me slow down for a few minutes.

I was totaling up the cost of what I had in my cart (because that's how my Mom taught me to grocery shop) and as I was carrying ones and dropping numbers , I wrote "8.19." 

This is the thought process that followed: 

But all our lives we will be subject to sudden small reminders 

which will bring all the old loss back, overwhelmingly. 

Elisabeth Watson

It's Throwback Thursday in social media and blog land today, and while I have posted some photos over on Instagram, I wanted to share some older writing with all of you in the spirit of this day. I hope to do this more often.  I found flash drives and notebooks full of my writing when we moved.  It was like hitting the jackpot for me.  I had forgotten about most of them.  I was glad to be reunited with them all, like long lost friends.  

I wrote the following for a Creative Non-Fiction class in 2008.  I had taken a hiatus from school and writing in general and was just getting back into the swing of things.  I don't remember what the assignment was, but I do remember sitting down at the computer and it all came rushing out. That's what I love about writing: the blind release.  

I like to talk about things no one else wants to talk about.  The following shows that a bit.  It also shows that there is way under people's skin than just muscle and bone.  

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Check out a few of her most popular posts

So now is the time in the post where we present our favorites from last week, drum roll please.....:

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Last Week's Co-Host was Emily @ Love, Pasta and a Tool Belt

her Favorite Pick Is:

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I was reading the newest post from Bethany over at In This Crazy Life and she was talking about her goals as a mother.  I have recently began delving a little deeper into this topic myself because, I realized, I don't have clear, defined goals as a mother.  I have the basics covered:  care for her, protect her, love her, teach her, etc., but there are some that are more intricate.   There are things that I need to instill in my daughter so that she can take care of herself when I am no longer here.

Some of the following can be taught when L is older.  Some, though, some need to be started now.  She is learning so fast these days.  She is picking up on so many new things every day, it's boggling my mind.  I feel like if I have a sturdy platform, I can build and grow from there.

I have also been feeling like I am just stumbling blindly through this motherhood thing.  I know a lot of people feel that way, but I'm just starting to realize it, so, bear with me.

1.  Patience.  Lord, I need this so badly.  I once was told not to pray for patience because God didn't work that way, but I still do it because sometimes a Mama needs help from the powers that be!  L is the perfect mixture of her father and I.  Needless to say, she is stubborn as hell.  She does things when and how she wants to do them, and that's the end of it.  I have found myself rushing her to finish things up and I have found myself taking over just to get it done because we are running late, etc.  I need to stop.  She has to learn.  This is the only way she will learn is by doing it herself and having a patient mother who supports and encourages her at all of her endeavors.

2.  Be present.  Ya'll I'm addicted to my iPhone.  It has to stop.  For the past couple of weeks, I have been really toying with the idea of a social media break.  I can't just abandon the blog, so I am working out the details in my head.  I have also spent days these past couple of weeks with my phone in another room, away from L and I, so I could solely concentrate on her.  The change is astounding in both of us when I do that.  We play, read books, and just generally have a better time together.  So, this is definitely something I am going to stick with and work on.  She needs me, not me answering a text or an email or checking Facebook.

3.  Individuality.  I want my daughter to be okay with who she is.  I want her to love every little thing about herself.  I want her to exude confidence in herself and her abilities.  I want these things for her because I didn't learn this until much later in my life.  It caused me a lot of issues.  I am currently working on trying to be the best me I can be so my daughter can follow suite.  I want her to see that Mommy marches to the beat of her own drum and she turned out okay so it must be okay for her to do the same.

4.  Respect for herself and other's.  L will be taught manners.  She will be respectable to people at all times, even when she does not agree with them.  I have seen far too many disrespectful children and I refuse to allow my child to act in such a manner that not only makes herself look bad, but those that love her.  I will not sit in the principal's office and listen to a story of how my child disrespected a teacher or another student.  You can be an individual and have respect for authority and yourself.  I do it every day.

5.  Say yes more. I'm so tired of the word "No."  I say it a billion times a day and L says it a trillion.  I can't stand that word anymore.  I need to be more mindful of what I should say yes to.  For example, L has a shoe fetish.  As in, this child will stick to one pair of shoes for WEEKS!  She will wear them until they are absolutely disintegrating on her feet.  I try to put her in different shoes-no go.  We fight about it.  After the moment is over, hours later, I wonder why I fought with my kid over SHOES!  I'm just going to let her wear the damn shoes from now on.  We are also going to go to the park more and we are going to do way more things than we have been doing.  We need some family outings.  STAT.

6.  Support.  I want L to always know that we are here for her if she needs us.  I don't want her trying to get information from the internet, her friends, or any other source.  I want her to feel comfortable coming to talk to us about questions she has from why the sky is blue to the sex talk.  I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about sex.  I also had a hard time expressing my feelings about being hurt.  I just don't want a teenager that sits in her room and thinks we don't understand or we don't know anything (I know, I know...she probably will anyway) and then harbors resentment towards us because we didn't help her.

7.  Be kind.  I want L to have compassion.  I want her to notice other's who are less fortunate than her and try to help them with a kind word, gesture, or something more.  I don't want her to sit by and watch people suffer when she can change the whole situation by walking up and saying "Hi.  Can I sit with you?"  I want L to sit at a lunch table of misfits like I did in high school.  A handful of those "misfits" are still my best and dear friends to this day.  I want her to look past the cover and see what's inside.

8.  Be curious.  I want L  to be adventurous.  I want her to ask questions. I don't want her to fear the unknown.  I want her to embrace it and go for it.  I don't want her to sit on the sidelines for the majority of her life and watch everyone else play the game because she's too terrified to move from the bench.  I did that.  That's not what life is about.  Life is for living and learning, not sitting in terror of your own damn shadow.

9.  Be well-rounded.  I want to make sure L is introduced to new experiences and has the opportunity to do what she is interested in.  If she wants to take piano lessons, cool!  Ballet?  Okay!  Play softball?  Heck yea!  I don't believe in stereotypes.  If I have a piano playing, softball throwing, tutu wearing teenager running around my house-so be it.  The more you are introduced the things, the more you learn to appreciate the world you live in.

10.  More than me.  Lastly,  I want L to do and be more than I ever was or ever will be.  I want her to stand up for herself, respect herself, have grace, understanding, and a sense of humor.  I don't want her to watch life pass her by.  I want her to live and I don't want her to be afraid.  I want her to have dreams and work for them.  I want her to know that she can always come back home and that we live in a non-judgmental household so, things that she views as mistakes, are just stepping stones.  I want her to understand, unlike me for many years, that our mistakes don't define us.  We are more than they are.  We have scars because we chose to live life, not because we deserve them.

Monday's are hard for me.  Not just in blog world, but in the real world too.  The weekend is never long enough, I hardly ever get done what I want to get done, and I always feel obligated to start the week out on a high note.

I suppose I just need to stop having expectations of Monday's.

That would probably kill a lot of my angst about the day.

So, here I am!  L is napping (finally!) and I am sitting down to the computer to do some blog work.  I don't have much to say.  L had a good time at my parents place and I managed to get all the laundry and dishes caught up, some yard work done, and a wasp sting.

Lemme tell ya about that last one...

I was pulling out some ivy from out front sidewalk (don't ask..we don't know what the previous owner was thinking) when I saw a wasps nests buried in the middle of this bush.

I thought, "Oh hell."

I stepped back to the other side of the bush, away from the nest, and BAM!

One of them little jerks flew around behind me and got me in my left forearm!

I thought I had been shot.  (We don't live in a bad neighborhood by any means, but I am overly dramatic.  Just ask my husband.) So, when I realized what had happened, I began to panic.

My mom is HIGHLY ALLERGIC to being stung.  She had always told me to be careful because she wasn't sure if that was something that was genetic or what.

Well, here I stood, my arm throbbing and the whelp from the sting getting bigger and bigger.  I'm still panicking.  I've never been stung before.  I don't know what to do.  I text my husband and my mom and go into the house.  I thought, "Well, if I die at least I won't be next to the road."

My husband texts me back almost immediately and tells me to clean the wound and take some Benadryl.  Ha!  We don't HAVE Benadryl in the house because husband is allergic.  These days, I don't worry about myself so, therefore, we have none.

I clean the wound and decide that I haven't started having any trouble breathing, so I may be okay to drive to the Walgreen's five minutes away to get some Benadryl.

So, here I go, a hot, sweaty mess, arm throbbing, and still panicking, driving my way to Walgreen's, praying I don't pass out on the way to get some Benadryl.

At this point I'm angry.

At the wasp.
At the traffic.
At myself.

I text my husband at the next light, "Do we have any wasp and hornet killer?"

He said we did.

I responded with something along the lines of, "Good.  Because I'm going to kill every single one of those bastards if I get back home."

Husband does not respond because I am, as previously stated, a drama queen.

So, I get the Benadryl, check out, the cashier is trying to make small talk and I'm all like, "Sorry!  Can't chat!  Need to eat some Benadryl before I die!" and out the door I go to the car.

I rip the package open like I'm some kind of coke fiend and swallow a Benadryl.

I lean my head back against the seat of the car and take a huge, deep breath.   Ahh, crisis averted!  I shall live another day to be dramatic!  Just then, I look to my right and there, sitting next to my car, is some poor, old, white haired lady staring at me like I just robbed the Walgreen's.

I waved, smiled, started my car, and left.

I didn't hear anything on the news that night about a crazed lady eating Benadryl in the parking lot of a Walgreen's, so I think I'm good.

When L was born, I remember hearing "Enjoy it! It will go by so fast!" from countless people.  In the midst of three-four hour feedings, diaper changes, and getting to know our daughter; the last thing on my mind was enjoying the moment.

I was not the Mom that sat and rocked her baby for hours on end.  Did I rock her and stare at her cute little face and marvel that she was ours?  Yup!  Do I think I missed out on an important piece of motherhood by not doing that?  No.

I have watched our daughter sleep, I have paced with her in the wee hours of the morning to calm an ear ache, and I have celebrated milestones with her.  I have taught her things, I have loved her, nurtured her, praised her, secured her environment, and protected her from day one.

And in the midst of all of that mothering, I got a two year old.

What?

I was watching L play at the park the other day.  She had said,"I do it, Mommy," when it came to playing this particular day.  So, I took a seat on the playground ledge and watched my "big girl do big girl things." I watched the way she climbed the steps, carefully, yet with just enough comfort to not scare her.  I watched the way she made her way to the slide, stopping to yell, "HI MOMMY!" just before she ducked into the opening of the slide.  Lastly, I watched as her face lit up as she made her way down the slide.

Recently I was reminded of how fleeting childhood is.  As mothers, we tend to get caught up in the phases our children go through; wishing for the end to arrive quickly and painlessly.  We have been through many phases already with our two year old; each one more complex than the last.  It can be mind-numbing.   It can make you wish their childhood away.

Over the weekend I was reminded to not do that.

It was a typical Saturday morning (meaning we were running behind, Mommy hadn't had any coffee, and the toddler was being her stubborn self) and our goal of the day was to do the grocery shopping.  I finally got both of us ready, out the door, and to our local grocery store.

As I was getting my daughter out of her car seat, and older man passed by us in the parking lot and he smiled, laughed, and said, "Love them while you can!  Mine will be forty-nine in a couple of weeks!"  I smiled and laughed and off we went into the store to do our shopping.

The mans words echoed through my head the whole morning..."Love them while you can..."  

I wish I would have thanked that man for his advice instead of brushing it off like I have been known to do.

How many times have we heard that?
How many times have we been given advice in a store from a complete stranger about our children's immortality as a little human?
How many times have you smiled, nodded your head, and uttered, "I'm trying.", as you pass them by?

I've lost track.

But, on that Saturday morning, standing in the warm sun with my daughter, looking at this older man, a part of me knew that those words would embed themselves within me.  It was the moment.  It was the way it was done.  Almost as if the universe just plopped that man down right in front of me and said, "Listen to this.  Carry these words with you."

"Love them while you can..."

Yes, sir, I will.

Today is Monday and, whenever I need to start something new, I do it on a Monday.  Why?  Because it is the beginning of the week and what better time to begin something than at the beginning of the week?

If you read my last post, then you know that I am ready to become more than what I have allowed myself these past several months.  So, when brainstorming about how I wanted to go about this, I made a list.

(I love lists.  Seriously.  I even get excited to make a grocery list.  We all have our quirks....)

So, this list.  This list is fabulous.  It is my spiritual  list.  My individuality list.  My ME before MOMMY list.  This is the list that I will look to every week  to ensure that I am being the best ME I can be so I can be the best MOMMY I can be.

There is but one rule:

I have to do at least half of the list every week.

When I wrote this list, I not only thought about all the things I used to do before L, but I thought about the things I missed doing the most.  Some of these are common, other's aren't,  but they are important to me as an individual.

Are you ready to see my list?

Okay.

This has been a hard week for me.

Over the past couple of weeks I could feel myself slipping into a familiar crevice.  I seem to go through phases where I cram so much of myself down to make room for everyone and everything else.  The pattern is always the same: night wakings, anxiety, snippy, tears, and withdrawing.  I then feel the familiar stab of being wedged too tightly into the crevice and I snap.

I snapped this week.

I am so tired of so many things within myself.  My inner monologue stinks.  I let people win who don't need to win.  I allow myself to be pushed aside and forgotten about.  I melt into my corner of the couch and stare aimlessly at the television, thanking the damn thing for allowing me to forget about everything else.  I feel useless, unimportant,  and unnoticed.  I allowed it all to happen this way.  I stopped paying attention and just let go.  Letting go is good sometimes, but not in this case.

This is not a happy season for me right now.

I always said I would be honest with you and I meant it.  I mean it now.

I cracked open Tuesday.  Then a little more on Wednesday.

And now, in the very early hours of Thursday morning, I am trying to figure out where to go from here.

I've cracked open and now I can heal.

Good, I say.

I don't mind being broken.

We all are and that's what being human is all about.

The healing though, the healing, that's how you become.

I suppose it is time for me to become more.



I started by writing here.

Words have never failed me, judged me, ridiculed me, or betrayed me.

Most days, in the season of cracking open and becoming more, they are all that work for me.