*sigh*

I hate jeans.

There.  I said it.

I never used to.  I used to love getting into my closet on my days off when I didn't have classes or work, pulling on my favorite pair of broken in jeans, and going about my day.  I welcomed them much more than any yoga pant I owned.  They just looked good.  They said, "I am comfortable, relaxed, yet stylish today.  Here I am world!  Let's go!"

That was before I had the bay-bay.

This morning I got up, showered, and went to the bedroom to put clothes on.  *sigh*  This is where my self-esteem usually plummets.  It's 8:30 in the morning and my self-esteem is usually trashed before breakfast.  Awesome.  So, there I stand in my bathrobe in front of my closet and even though I know this is going to suck, I do it anyway.

I reach for my jeans.

Now, let me help you understand something.

I don't have any jeans that fit right.  None.  I own four pairs of jeans and a pair of jeggings.  I also own a pair of yoga pants and three pairs of "comfy pants" as I call them.  Normally, I put on the comfy pants or the yoga pants, but we had to go to Target today so, since I was leaving the house, I reached for the jeans.

One pair of jeans is a size too small.  Those are my "some day" jeans.  I hang onto them because they are fairly new, but I can't get them over my ass.  My jeggings are a size too big so I am constantly yanking those up to save everyone from seeing my tramp stamp. (Oh yea, I have one.) I have two other pairs of jeans that are identical except for the wash.  One is light, one is dark.  The only places those fit correctly are in length.  They are tight on my hips and too big in the waist.  So, I am constantly yanking those up too.  They also cause my underwear to crawl down my butt and...yea, it is really just a hot mess being me most days.

I step into the dark wash-perfect-length-make-my-underwear-fall-down-my-butt jeans and then I do the crab walk to get them over my booty, up my hips, take a deep breath, and button them.  There.  They are on.

I look in the mirror and this is what I think of:



I grab a t-shirt to cover the busted can of biscuits and realize I have broken a sweat getting jeans on.

Damn it.

I spend most of the morning yanking my jeans up over my ass and then doing the lovely yank-them-up-one-more-time dance as I get out of the car in the parking lot of Target.  I get L in the cart, do another yank, and off we go into the store.  We do our shopping with Mommy stopping several times throughout our trip to do a sneak yank in various empty aisles (I bet the loss prevention worker at Target loved watching that on camera.) and I finally snap.

I march us over to the women's section and begin the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans.  I am begging in my brain, "Please Target, oh please save me from this dilemma.  Please let me find a good pair of jeans that are just perfect everywhere, like they used to be, when I was younger/thinner."

I start looking at the jeans.  I become overwhelmed.  I know I need mid-rise (and probably Spanx at this point in my life, but that is another blog post.) and I need a short length, but I don't want skinny jeans, or do I?  Can I?  Should I just stick with my bootleg?  Should I do a trouser jean?  I had a pair of those once, I liked those....I look at L, I look at the jeans, I look at the fitting room, I look back at L.  It then hits me:  I can't try on jeans with a toddler.  Am I crazy? The last time I tried clothes on when she was with me ended in Cheerios all over Kohls' fitting room floor and a super angry baby, complete with carrying her out of the store like an infant and her beating the crap out of Mommy for all the world (or at least that part of the world) to see.

I sigh.  Forget it.

"Let's just go home, L."

We go home.

So, here I sit, unsure of what to do.  I am still wearing the jeans from this morning.  Why?  Because I hate that my husband always sees me in yoga pants or comfy pants.  I am trying to retain some of my self-respect and dignity while my jeans are showing otherwise.  I'm trying, and honestly, I feel like I'm failing.  My jeans are winning this battle.  I am uncomfortable as hell and they are crawling down my backside, laughing at me.

I just can't get this right, no matter what brand I buy, what rise I buy, what length I buy-it doesn't work.  Nothing does.

The only thing I haven't tried is spending more on my jeans.  I usually buy from Old Navy or Kohl's.  I have one pair from Kohl's.  They are the Apt. 9 brand and, when they fit, they make my ass look good, but I can't find another pair like them, anywhere, in a bigger size.  That sucks.  I have determined that I will never buy Old Navy ever again because they don't hold up like they used to and their pockets sit weird on my butt.  I mean, I know I have larger butt than I used to, but Old Navy, ya don't need to help me advertise it.

So, what is this Mom to do?

I am tired of having my self-esteem wrecked at 8:30 in the morning.

I am tired of living in comfy pants.

I am tired of this even being an issue.

This Mom will take any and all advice given into consideration.  I am not kidding.  Someone please help me! Please help me take back the control over my jeans!

Until next time,