I am ripping a Band-Aide off today, a Band-Aide that I strategically placed years ago.  As I began contemplating how I was going to go about writing about these years, that's what I determined it would feel like.  It is safe to say that I spent the first half of my twenties recovering from my teenage years (Or, well, trying to recover) and I never really got the hang of it until a few years ago.  There are going to be things written here that are very real and will probably throw some of you for a loop.  I have not always been sunshine and roses (Okay, so, sometimes I'm still not, and that's okay.) and some of you are going to read the following and say, "I had no idea!"  The vast majority of you that will say that probably are who I graduated from high school with.  My teenage years and my twenties are how I became.  It is how we all become.  I have no shame and I am real.  I am real because of my story.

As I said last week, I always knew I was different.  This really didn't start bothering me until I hit my teens.  I was awkward.  I was a mess on the inside.  I spent most of my days trying to just get through them.  As I started nearing my high school graduation, I couldn't wait to get out of the town I grew up in.  I had a small handful of friends and they helped, but I knew I didn't belong where I was.  I felt that there was something greater for me out there.  I wasn't sure what, and, if I would have known then what I know now, I would have cooled my jets and hung around for a while longer.  However, the flip side of that is, I probably wouldn't be married to E or have L so, it is safe to say, the road I took is the road I was meant to take.  Remember: all signs along the way point to your destination.  You just have to know how to interpret them and how to survive them.

I never fit in.  I know most teenagers say that, but I really didn't.  I was so much more than I appeared to be and I stifled it.  I forced it down and away.  If I were to have been the real me, I wouldn't have survived.  However, even this didn't save me from the name-calling, the teasing, the whispers behind my back.  I learned later in life that your enemies can see right through you.  They know what to do, they know what to say, and all you have to do is just exist.  That is what I did:  I existed.  I stayed very close to my group of friends (who were classified as outcasts just like I was) and I waded the water's of high school with them.  They were my solace and my comfort.  I knew they all had my back and they did, just like I had theirs.

I would lie awake in bed at night and pray the morning wouldn't come.  I didn't actually want to die, I just wanted to sleep until college.  However, the morning would come and I would go back to school and sit in class and will the hours away until I could go to work or go home.  I could never get out of the door's fast enough at the end of the day.  (Who am I kidding, no one could wait, but I was rushing off for different reasons.)  I felt suffocated.  I couldn't breathe in that building.  It was so much work to be someone other than myself.  No one made me do it.  It was my choice.  I suffered greatly for it.

The only people I could be myself around was my close knit group of friends.  They are still my friends today if that tells you anything.  Through all of things that I have been through, they remained, like a heartbeat. I could hear it in the distance when I was drowning in my own life.  I would crawl towards that sound, always.  It never failed me.

I had a couple of boyfriends during high school and I am not entirely sure they even knew who I was.  I mean, I didn't, how could they? The relationship would go on for awhile and then it would be over.  I would be devastated and crawl into a hole inside of myself and blame myself for everything.  It was the only way I could make sense of things.  My mantra was (and this was for almost ten years I heard this every day in my head):  "It is your fault.  You aren't good enough.  Look at what you did.  You are a sorry excuse for a human being."

I graduated high school (finally!) and started the local junior college in the fall. Late that summer, I plunged head first into an abyss that took me over half of my twenties to resurface from.

August 19, 2001.

I lost a friend.  I lost a friend five minutes from my house.  Although, I don't think she realized she was five minutes from my house.  I have often asked myself what would be different now if she would have showed up in my driveway instead of being involved in an accident that took her life.

This friend dated a friend of mine and they were on the outs.  She was genuine.  She was a genuine and good person.  Her and I had several conversations about life and what-not.  She used to come into where I worked.  She would shop, I would work, and we would talk.  The night before she died, she wanted to spend the night with me because she didn't want to be alone.  I had to work the next day at 5am so I told her that the next night, the night she died, she could.

I blamed myself for her death for eight years.  She reached out to me and I turned her away and she died.  At least, that's how the series of thoughts went in my head for eight years.

The cliff that I had been teetering on for five years got stepped off of that day.  I gave in.  I dove into an abyss that would swallow me and not let me go for eight years.

I just couldn't cope.  No one knew how to help me cope.  I pushed people away.  I wanted to get away, disappear, forget, get lost somewhere else other than where I was at.  It was too much to be in that town.  It was too much to drive on that road.  It was too much of everything all at once and not knowing what to do about any of it.

After a year and a half of feeling like I was living in my own personal hell, I left.  I packed my stuff up out of my bedroom at my parent's and left.  At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do.  I wanted to start over where no one knew who I was, where no one knew what I had been through.

I transferred to a university in St. Louis and began attending college there in January of 2003 where I spent the vast majority of my time still drowning, still lost, and still hopeless.


And that, my readers, is my teens.  My friends know of my struggles and always commented on how, to the naked eye, you couldn't tell by looking at me that anything was wrong.  No, you couldn't.  As I sat going through photos the other day for this blog post, I was astounded at the smile on my face in most of the photos.  A smile is easy to do, it's the eyes that tell a person's story; they hold all of the emotion, the soul, of a person.  I may have been having a grand time at the moment the photo was snapped, but my eyes don't match the expression on my face most of the time.

My awkwardness, my vulnerability, my inner mantra from my teenage years; they all went with me into my twenties, along with a lot of other baggage, and not to mention all the baggage I picked up along the way to my mid-twenties.    It is my twenties that I am most proud of surviving.  As the years go on, it will be my twenties that I will always reflect on and use to teach my daughter right from wrong and good from bad.

Thank you for reading.

Until next time,

Welcome to week two of The Month of 30 Series!  If you are a first time visitor, go here to find out more about the series.  If you missed last week, you can catch up here!

For a very long time, I didn't really laugh.  I was a very serious person for various reasons.

It took me a long time (and much work from my husband-thanks babe) to get me to loosen up. Someone once said not to take life too seriously, you won't get out alive anyway.  It took me year's to wrap my head around that.  Life was going to go on, regardless of my state of mind, and I needed to make the best of it.  Once I got my head around that, it all started to get a little better.  The best parenting advice I ever got was not to lose my sense of humor, I was going to need it.  We are almost two years in to parenthood and, let me tell you, laughter has helped immensely.

This week I have broken up certain aspects of the past thirty years and categorized them.  There are still thirty things, but they are more like short blips, stories, etc. that I find humorous or that happened and I can laugh about it now.  Get comfortable and get ready to laugh.  (And go ahead and laugh at my expense-it's okay. Some of these are kind of embarrassing to admit, but they are funny nonetheless.)

Parenthood

1.  I cannot count how many times my child has pooped, peed, and thrown up on me.  One time in particular was when she was still "new" (probably not even six weeks old) and she had a poopy diaper.  I went to change her, of course.  Well, she wasn't done.  At all.  I will spare you the details. I got the short end of the deal on that one. :-/  She also ruined one of my shirts.

2.  When L gets mad, it's kind of hard to keep a straight face.  This seriously may be a parenting fail, but the kid is so darn cute when she does her "open mouth, silent cry" that I have to stifle my laughter when I comfort her. Sometimes I ask her in the middle of her open mouth, silent cry if she is mad.  It usually comes out like this:  "*big deep breath*  YEEEAAAAAAAAAA!"

3.  I forgot to put a diaper on L after I changed her once in the middle of the night.  I took the old one off, cleaned her up, buttoned her sleeper back up, and put her back to bed.  Yea, she woke up twenty minutes later and that resulted in new bedding, a new sleeper, and this time, a DIAPER.

4.  Taking a shower with a toddler present in the bathroom results in three cats, a toddler, and every dry surface in the bathroom to be soaked by the time the shower is done.

5.  My daughter likes to yank my shirt down in various stores.  I'm sure the loss prevention people love seeing me come in the store with my kid. *sigh*

6.  The doctor that delivered L wore a gold chain and smelled of Old Spice.  (Trust me, that wasn't my normal doctor.) I now have an aversion to Old Spice.  And gold chains.

L Antics

1.  L has an obsession with putting skirts, pants, and shorts on her head.  Sometimes she just wears them around her neck, other times she wears them like a hat.  Yes, I have pictures.

2.  When L gets really excited about something, her mouth makes the perfect O shape and she says, "Oooooo WHAT IS DAT!?"

3.  She could mosh with the best of them.  That's what her dancing looks like.

4.  She used to always fill her diaper on the way to Wal-Mart, forcing Mommy to make a beeline for the bathroom to clean her up and change her outfit.  And sometime's Mommy's shirt. :-/

5.  L is never allowed to have honey ever again.  She had croup at one point and I had read that if you give a teaspoon of honey to a toddler, that it would help coat their throat, thus suppressing the coughing so she could get some relief.  Well, I gave her a half a teaspoon and she bounced off the walls for three hours.  NEVER. AGAIN.

Driving

1.  The first day I got my driver's license, I ditched my car, and did $1500 worth of damage.  To only the underside of the car.  Making a left turn.  In a 1994 Mercury Topaz.  I was going to visit a boy that I liked.  Oh, did I mention I ditched it right in front of his driveway? :)

2.  I backed into a pole I didn't see.  A huge pole.  Like, I can't believe I missed that.  I gave myself whiplash.  Thankfully, L wasn't with me.  My car now has a huge black patch on my red bumper. :-/

3.  I totaled a car by simply deploying the air bags.  (I rear ended a car in front of me and it hit the sensors on the front of my car just right that it deployed the air bags.  That was the only thing wrong with it.  No major damage.  It was a 1999 Grand Am.....My wreck was in 2012....My parents bought the car for 1500 bucks.....deployed air bags=totaled car )

4.  Every time I get a new car, I do what I call the "Cup Holder Test".  If I can fit a 44 oz. fountain soda in the cup holder, it's a good car.  If I can't, I hate the car and I wish I never would have bought it.  (I have since learned to bring a 44 oz. fountain soda with me when I test drive.)

5.  The first new car I ever bought myself was a 2005 Chevy Cobalt.  It was red and her name was Mia.  I bought her because of the commercial they used to advertise it.  Yea, not one of my finer moments.

6.  I sing and dance in the car.  I don't try to hide it either.  My favorite place to do it is stuck in traffic.  If people notice, the crazier I get with it.

Household

1.  I am forbidden to use anything but a butter knife or steak knife in the house.  I slit my palm open several years ago on a butcher knife and scared the crap out of E.  He banned my usage of knives after that and I abide by that rule.

2.  I have to climb on top of our counters to get into our cabinets.  Yes, I have a step stool.  I am not allowed to use it if E isn't home.  I fall off of them when unsupervised.

3.  I killed a Peace Lily.  That we got when E's grandmother died.  Peace Lily's are almost indestructible plants.  I watered it too much. When I want to plant something or buy flower's for the front porch, E just says, "Peace Lily", and I abruptly shut up.

4.  We have what we call "Kitty NASCAR" every night at about 11pm.  Our three cats chase each other in a circle starting from the living room, into the kitchen, down the short hall, and back into the living room.  They do it for an hour.

5.  I can't work a recliner.  Seriously.  I get stuck in them and end up just climbing out of it without putting the leg rest down.  I can't operate the handle most of the time.

6.  I will bust out into random dance moves all over this house.  My favorite place is at the kitchen sink doing dishes.  I always have a song in my head.

7.  Our bed is too tall for me.  I pretty much have to launch myself into bed at night.  I won't let E buy me steps or a stool because I will feel like I am a dog.

Random

1.  I always sing, in my head, "Fat guuuy in a little coooaat" when I put on my coat.  I sing it just like Chris Farley, too.

2.  This video.

3.  This website.

4.  I have a friend that threatens to put on a cow suit and come dance outside my window when I am having a bad day.  That's a friend right there.

5.  There were a lot of nights I don't remember from my early 20s, but I do remember having a party at my apartment one night and a police helicopter flying over and spotlighting the woods behind the complex.  I got so freaked out (which was probably the stupid amounts of alcohol in my system) that I curled in a ball on the couch and was trying to think of what to tell my parents when I had to call them from jail.  Sidenote:  They weren't after me.  They were looking for a burglary suspect.  Also not one of my finer moments.

6.  When I was in college and a summer RA (Resident Assistant) I, and a couple other's, would sneak over the fence to the pool and go for late night swim's.  One time I misjudged my landing and I rolled my ankle.  We walked to the pool.  It was on the other side of campus. :-/  I also had to file an accident report with the university since I was on call. :-/ Sidenote:  My boss was pretty cool about it.  She thought the pain of a rolled ankle would be enough to make sure it never happened again.  It didn't.

Alright folks, there you have it!  I hope I at least made some of you laugh, smile, and/or reminisce about some of the things that have make you laugh over the years.  Stay tuned later this week when I share my teenage year's with you.

Until next time,

This has been a trying week in our house.  L and I had a couple of days where we weren't getting a long too well.  Needless to say, it left a toddler and a Mommy not very happy at various points throughout the week.  At first, I just brooded.  Then, I remembered that there had been some really good moments this week and I caught them on my phone.  So, whenever one of us was having a bad moment, I would get my phone out and we would look at pictures and videos and laugh.  It helped.  It really helped.

Sometimes all it takes is to concentrate on the good and let that lead you through the bad.  Here are some good things from this week:

Hello and welcome to the first week of The Month of 30 series!  I am so glad you are interested in who I really am, where I have been, where I want to go, and how I got to be where I am today.  If you are a first time visitor to the blog, please go here to find out what all of this is about!

Today, we are going to talk about things I love.  Some of the following are obvious, but there are some that really make me me and, if what I have been told is correct, they are some of things that people love the most about me.  So, grab a cup of your drink of choice, settle in, and let's get to it!
These are in no particular order:

1.  (This one is a given) My daughter, who wasn't supposed to be here.  You can read more about that here.

2.  My husband.  I think I got pretty darn lucky if ya ask me.  Actually, I am one of the luckiest girls on the planet.  :)  He's my best friend, my biggest fan (next to my mom, of course), and still thinks I'm pretty after a really long day with our daughter. Ha! You will get to find out more about him and our relationship later this month. :)

3.  My "boys".  Before I became a mother and a wife, I was an early-20s, soul searching, college dropout, and depressed girl. It was recommended that I get something to help me get out of bed every day.  Well, one led to two and then, heck, ya can't have two and not have three!  So, I have three boys...