Today is Monday and, whenever I need to start something new, I do it on a Monday.  Why?  Because it is the beginning of the week and what better time to begin something than at the beginning of the week?

If you read my last post, then you know that I am ready to become more than what I have allowed myself these past several months.  So, when brainstorming about how I wanted to go about this, I made a list.

(I love lists.  Seriously.  I even get excited to make a grocery list.  We all have our quirks....)

So, this list.  This list is fabulous.  It is my spiritual  list.  My individuality list.  My ME before MOMMY list.  This is the list that I will look to every week  to ensure that I am being the best ME I can be so I can be the best MOMMY I can be.

There is but one rule:

I have to do at least half of the list every week.

When I wrote this list, I not only thought about all the things I used to do before L, but I thought about the things I missed doing the most.  Some of these are common, other's aren't,  but they are important to me as an individual.

Are you ready to see my list?

Okay.

This has been a hard week for me.

Over the past couple of weeks I could feel myself slipping into a familiar crevice.  I seem to go through phases where I cram so much of myself down to make room for everyone and everything else.  The pattern is always the same: night wakings, anxiety, snippy, tears, and withdrawing.  I then feel the familiar stab of being wedged too tightly into the crevice and I snap.

I snapped this week.

I am so tired of so many things within myself.  My inner monologue stinks.  I let people win who don't need to win.  I allow myself to be pushed aside and forgotten about.  I melt into my corner of the couch and stare aimlessly at the television, thanking the damn thing for allowing me to forget about everything else.  I feel useless, unimportant,  and unnoticed.  I allowed it all to happen this way.  I stopped paying attention and just let go.  Letting go is good sometimes, but not in this case.

This is not a happy season for me right now.

I always said I would be honest with you and I meant it.  I mean it now.

I cracked open Tuesday.  Then a little more on Wednesday.

And now, in the very early hours of Thursday morning, I am trying to figure out where to go from here.

I've cracked open and now I can heal.

Good, I say.

I don't mind being broken.

We all are and that's what being human is all about.

The healing though, the healing, that's how you become.

I suppose it is time for me to become more.



I started by writing here.

Words have never failed me, judged me, ridiculed me, or betrayed me.

Most days, in the season of cracking open and becoming more, they are all that work for me.