There has been a disconnect.

And...it's not really all that bad.

A couple of weeks ago, I made the comment to my husband that I was ashamed of my music collection.  Don't get me wrong, I have some great music on my computer, but its dated.  I haven't downloaded anything new since our daughter was born almost a year ago.  Heck, I don't even fire up iTunes hardly anymore.  iTunes used to be a staple in the taskbar of my computer, but no more.

Point, you ask?

The point is I am an avid music lover.  I used to constantly download new music, search out things no one had heard before, produce lyrics as Facebook status's, and wow my friends with new music.

Those days are gone.

Also gone is staying up late to finish an assignment, reading required literature until I passed out in bed, researching the latest paper topic, driving from school, working my part time job, driving back and forth to IL to see the husband-then-fiance, and many, many other things that were done before our daughter came along.

I spent the first ten months of our daughters life finishing my degree and getting used to my new role as a stay at home mom.  It was weird!  I went from running around like an idiot to only having to concentrate on baby and school.  A few months in I found myself missing my job for a few days then the Christmas season began and that snapped me out of that real quick. (Christmas in retail is Hell on Earth. I am not kidding.)

Anyway, my rambling means this:

There has been a disconnect between things that I used to do, loved to do, enjoyed doing and the now.  And I'm okay with it!  

The last few years of my life have been filled with me starting over.  (Sidenote:  It's true what they say:  The best place to start again is rock bottom.) I have spent the past few years undoing damage that I and other's have done to me, re-working my brain and my soul to deal with things as they come my way, I dumped a bunch of people out of my life and I don't miss them (or their drama) at all, and I am well on my way to discovering who I am.


I live a very quiet and simple existence and I like it that way.  It took me years to realize I did, but I embrace it now.  No, I don't want my phone going off all hours of the night.  No, I don't want people coming into my room late at night when I am trying to study or to just "be" and dump all their drama on me.  No, I don't want to be made to look like a fool.  No, I don't want to be what other's want me to be, I want to be me damn it!  No, I don't want your life, I want my own!  Each of those statements took me what feels like decades to make, but I made them to myself and I made them to the people that needed to hear them.

So, this is who I am, take me or leave me.

For the first time in my life I can say I don't care either way.  I know who loves me, I know who respects me and those are the people I need in my life.

I am okay with my disconnect.  I am okay with that life over there in the corner collecting dust, storing my memories to pull out for my child when she becomes old enough to need or want them.  I am okay with the people from my past staying there.  I am okay with me. 

It has taken me ten years to say that.

I. am. okay. with. me.

I am.


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